Published by Cursed Crayon Club

“I Wanted Them Until They Started Wanting Me Back.”

At first, you loved the attention.

You wanted the texts.

The dates.

The affection.

You wondered when they’d finally open up and let you in.

Then they did.

They started calling more.

They became vulnerable.

They talked about the future.

They made it clear:

“I really like you.”

And somehow…

Instead of feeling relieved, you felt uncomfortable.

The butterflies became anxiety.

Their affection started feeling like pressure.

Things you once found adorable suddenly irritated you.

You wanted space.

You started replying slower.

Finding reasons not to meet.

Questioning whether you were attracted to them at all.

And eventually you wondered:

“Why do I keep wanting people until they actually get close to me?”

For some people, wanting intimacy and feeling comfortable inside intimacy are two very different things.

Let’s look at what psychology says.

Research

Researchers studying adult attachment, intimacy, vulnerability, and romantic relationships have found several reasons someone may desire connection while simultaneously becoming uncomfortable when that connection deepens.

There isn’t one explanation that applies to everyone.

1. Closeness Can Feel Like Vulnerability

Getting close to someone means allowing them to know more than the polished version of you.

Eventually they see your insecurities.

Your habits.

Your fears.

Your imperfections.

And they gain something emotionally powerful:

The ability to hurt you.

For someone uncomfortable with vulnerability, emotional distance can feel safer than being fully known.

2. Avoidant Attachment Can Make Intimacy Feel Uncomfortable

Adult attachment research suggests that people differ in how comfortable they are depending on and becoming emotionally close to others.

People with stronger avoidant attachment tendencies may desire relationships while also becoming uncomfortable with increasing intimacy or dependence.

That can create a confusing push-and-pull:

“Come closer.”

Then…

“Not that close.”

This doesn’t mean everyone who needs space has an avoidant attachment style. Attachment patterns are more complicated than social-media labels sometimes make them appear.

3. Independence Can Become Part of Someone’s Identity

Some people strongly associate independence with emotional safety.

They’re accustomed to handling problems alone.

Making decisions alone.

Regulating their emotions alone.

Then a relationship begins requiring compromise, vulnerability, communication, and interdependence.

For someone who has built their identity around self-reliance, closeness can sometimes feel less like connection and more like losing control.

4. Fear of Rejection Can Make Someone Leave First

Sometimes pulling away isn’t about avoiding love.

It’s about avoiding what could happen if love disappears.

The emotional logic can become:

“If I don’t get too attached, you can’t hurt me as badly.”

Or:

“If I leave first, you can’t reject me.”

Creating distance can provide temporary relief from uncertainty, even though it may also prevent the deeper connection the person actually wants.

5. Past Experiences Can Shape Expectations

Previous betrayal, inconsistent relationships, painful breakups, or unreliable relationships can influence how people approach new intimacy.

Someone may consciously know:

“This person hasn’t done anything wrong.”

While another part of them remains alert for what could go wrong.

Sometimes the current relationship is being evaluated through expectations formed somewhere else.

6. Sometimes Pulling Away Really Does Mean Something Has Changed

Not every loss of interest is an attachment issue.

Sometimes people get to know someone better and realize they’re incompatible.

Sometimes attraction genuinely changes.

Sometimes they discover differences in values, goals, communication, or lifestyle.

And sometimes someone simply doesn’t want the relationship anymore.

Psychology shouldn’t be used to turn every change of heart into a hidden fear of intimacy.

Sometimes “I’m not feeling this anymore” really does mean exactly that.

What the Studies Don’t Tell You

Research can describe attachment patterns.

It can’t tell you exactly why you stared at someone’s perfectly normal text and suddenly didn’t want to answer.

It can’t tell you why you desperately wanted reassurance last month…

But now that you’re receiving it, you feel trapped.

And it can’t automatically distinguish between:

“This person isn’t right for me.”

and

“Being loved this closely scares me.”

That’s where self-awareness becomes important.

Because those two experiences can feel surprisingly similar from the inside.

One is information about the relationship.

The other may be information about your relationship with intimacy itself.

✏️ The Cursed Crayon Club Viewpoint

The following is the opinion and interpretation of Cursed Crayon Club, not a statement of scientific fact.

We think sometimes people aren’t afraid of love.

They’re afraid of what love requires.

Being seen.

Being accountable.

Depending on somebody.

Admitting you care.

Giving another person access to parts of you that you’ve spent years protecting.

It’s easy to romanticize intimacy from a distance.

Up close?

Love gets real.

Now somebody notices when you’re upset.

Now your decisions affect another person.

Now disappearing instead of communicating has consequences.

Now there’s actually something to lose.

And sometimes the urge to run appears right when the relationship becomes worth staying for.

But there’s another side to this:

Not every person you pull away from is someone you’re supposed to chase back.

The real work is learning the difference between your intuition saying,

“This isn’t right.”

and your fear saying,

“This is getting real.”

Final Thoughts

Wanting space doesn’t automatically mean you’re emotionally unavailable.

And feeling uncomfortable with closeness doesn’t mean you’re incapable of having a healthy relationship.

But if the same pattern keeps happening:

You intensely want someone.

They reciprocate.

You become uncomfortable.

You create distance.

The relationship ends.

Then you want them again once they’re unavailable…

that pattern may be worth examining.

Instead of immediately asking,

“What’s wrong with them?”

Try asking:

“What changed inside me when they got closer?”

The answer may tell you much more.

Relationship Reflection

Think about your last few relationships or dating experiences:

• Do I become less interested once someone clearly likes me?
• What specifically makes me uncomfortable when relationships become serious?
• Do I want space because something is genuinely wrong or because vulnerability feels unfamiliar?
• Am I attracted to emotionally unavailable people because distance feels safer?
• When someone treats me consistently, do I experience peace or mistake it for boredom?
• Have I ever wanted someone again immediately after they stopped pursuing me?

You don’t need to force yourself to stay with someone you don’t want.

But if closeness repeatedly makes you run, understanding what you’re running from may be more useful than finding another person to run toward.

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Sources & Further Reading

• Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. R. (1987). Romantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment Process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
• Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment Styles Among Young Adults: A Test of a Four-Category Model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
• Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change.
• American Psychological Association — Resources on attachment, vulnerability, relationships, and emotional well-being.
• National Center for Biotechnology Information — Peer-reviewed literature related to adult attachment and romantic relationship functioning.