Published by Cursed Crayon Club

“So… What Exactly Are We?”

You talk every day.

You sleep together.

You spend weekends together.

You’ve met some of their friends.

They get jealous when somebody else gives you attention.

They expect you to communicate like a partner.

They want loyalty like a partner.

They want affection like a partner.

They want access to your time, your body, your emotions, and sometimes even your damn location.

But the second you ask:

“So… are we in a relationship?”

Everything suddenly gets complicated.

“Why do we need a label?”

“Can’t we just enjoy what we have?”

“I’m not ready for anything serious.”

“Why are you putting pressure on me?”

And now you’re confused.

Because if we’re doing relationship shit…

Why does calling it a relationship suddenly scare you?

Welcome to the situationship.

Let’s look at what relationship psychology can and cannot tell us about it.

What Is a Situationship?

“Situationship” isn’t a formal psychological diagnosis.

It’s a popular term generally used to describe a romantic or sexual connection in which the people involved haven’t clearly defined the relationship, its expectations, or its future.

That ambiguity is important.

Casual dating isn’t automatically a situationship.

Two people can intentionally choose something casual and be completely clear about it.

The problem usually begins when the behavior resembles commitment but the agreement doesn’t.

One person may believe:

“We’re building toward something.”

While the other believes:

“We’re enjoying this for what it is.”

Nobody necessarily said either sentence out loud.

And that’s where the mess begins.

What the Research Says

Researchers don’t typically study “situationships” as one single psychological category. But research on commitment, relationship uncertainty, attachment, communication, and relationship satisfaction helps explain why undefined romantic relationships can become emotionally complicated.

1. Behavior and Commitment Aren’t the Same Thing

This is probably the biggest misconception.

Someone can behave romantically toward you without deciding to build a committed relationship with you.

Sex.

Affection.

Daily communication.

Sleepovers.

Vacations.

Jealousy.

Even saying “I love you” doesn’t automatically establish mutually understood commitment.

Commitment requires more than romantic behavior.

It requires an agreement about what the relationship actually is.

2. Ambiguity Allows Two People to Experience the Same Relationship Differently

Research on relationship uncertainty suggests that uncertainty about a partner’s feelings, the status of the relationship, or its future can influence how people interpret interactions.

One person thinks:

“We’re basically together.”

The other thinks:

“We’re still seeing where this goes.”

Same relationship.

Completely different expectations.

That’s why undefined relationships can become painful even when neither person believes they’re lying.

3. Some People Want Connection Without Commitment

Humans can desire intimacy without wanting a formal partnership.

Someone may genuinely enjoy:

Your company.

Sex.

Affection.

Conversation.

Emotional support.

Companionship.

But enjoying those things doesn’t necessarily mean they’re prepared or willing to make the commitments you associate with them.

That’s an uncomfortable distinction.

Because someone can genuinely care about you…

and still not want the relationship you want.

4. Fear of Commitment Isn’t Always the Explanation

Social media loves diagnosing everyone who won’t commit as “avoidant.”

Reality is more complicated.

Sometimes someone avoids commitment because intimacy makes them uncomfortable.

But sometimes…

They simply don’t want a committed relationship.

Or they don’t want one with this particular person.

Those possibilities can hurt.

But turning someone’s lack of commitment into a psychological puzzle can sometimes keep people waiting longer than necessary.

5. Uncertainty Can Make the Relationship Feel More Consuming

When you don’t know where you stand, your mind may spend more time trying to figure it out.

What did that text mean?

Why did they introduce me that way?

Why were they jealous?

Why did they say they missed me?

Why won’t they make it official?

Now you’re not only experiencing the relationship.

You’re constantly interpreting it.

Uncertainty can occupy a surprising amount of emotional space.

6. Expectations Matter More Than the Label Alone

A relationship title doesn’t magically create security.

People can be boyfriend and girlfriend and still have terrible communication.

People can be married and still violate boundaries.

Likewise, two adults can intentionally maintain a casual relationship and be perfectly comfortable with it.

The real issue is whether both people understand and genuinely agree to the arrangement.

Clarity matters more than pretending ambiguity doesn’t exist.

What the Studies Don’t Tell You

Research can explain commitment and uncertainty.

It can’t explain the insanity of somebody saying:

“I’m not looking for a relationship.”

…while lying in your bed for the fourth night that week.

Or someone getting mad because another person flirted with you…

When they were the one who insisted:

“We’re not together.”

That’s where situationships become confusing.

Sometimes the benefits and boundaries don’t match.

One person wants relationship-level access without relationship-level responsibility.

And the other person accepts the arrangement because they’re hoping access will eventually turn into commitment.

Now both people are participating…

But they may be participating for completely different reasons.

✏️ The Cursed Crayon Club Viewpoint

The following is the opinion and interpretation of Cursed Crayon Club, not a statement of scientific fact.

Our issue isn’t situationships.

Our issue is bullshit expectations.

If two grown adults say:

“We like each other, we’re sleeping together, we’re not exclusive, and neither of us wants a relationship.”

Fine.

Everybody knows what they’re doing.

The problem starts when somebody says:

“I don’t want a relationship.”

But also wants:

“Where are you?”

“Who are you with?”

“Why didn’t you text me back?”

“Why is that person commenting on your picture?”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were going out?”

Hold the fuck up.

You declined the relationship package.

You don’t automatically get all the premium features.

And if you’re on the other side waiting for somebody to finally realize you’re worth committing to…

Pay attention to what they’ve actually told you.

Not just how romantic they can be when it’s convenient.

Sometimes the clearest answer isn’t hidden in their behavior.

They already gave it to you:

“I don’t want a relationship.”

Believe people enough to hear them.

Final Thoughts

A situationship isn’t automatically unhealthy.

Ambiguity isn’t automatically manipulation.

And refusing a relationship label doesn’t automatically make someone emotionally unavailable.

The real problem is misaligned expectations.

If one person wants casual companionship and the other wants commitment, neither person has to be wrong.

But pretending you want the same thing doesn’t make the difference disappear.

Eventually, somebody has to ask:

“What are we actually doing?”

And then both people have to be willing to hear the answer.

Even when it isn’t the answer they wanted.

Relationship Reflection

Ask yourself honestly:

• Have we actually discussed what this relationship is?
• Do I know what this person wants or am I interpreting their behavior?
• Am I genuinely comfortable without a label, or am I waiting for one?
• Am I providing relationship-level commitment without receiving it?
• Would I still choose this arrangement if I knew it would never become official?
• Are their words and expectations consistent?
• If they told me nothing would change for the next year, would I stay?

And perhaps the most important question:

If you have to behave like their partner to keep them, but they won’t call you their partner… is this arrangement actually giving you what you want?

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Sources & Further Reading

• Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. — Research examining commitment, relationship transitions, and the difference between “sliding” and “deciding” in romantic relationships.
• Knobloch, L. K., & Solomon, D. H. — Research on relational uncertainty and how uncertainty influences communication within close relationships.
• Rusbult, C. E. — Research underlying the Investment Model of Commitment, examining satisfaction, alternatives, investments, and commitment in romantic relationships.
• American Psychological Association — Research and educational resources related to romantic relationships, attachment, communication, and commitment.
• National Center for Biotechnology Information — Peer-reviewed literature concerning romantic relationship uncertainty, commitment, attachment, and relationship satisfaction.