Published by Cursed Crayon Club

“Different Face. Different Name. Same Damn Relationship.”

You promised yourself the next person would be different.

And technically…

They were.

Different job.

Different personality.

Different style.

Different smile.

But a few months into the relationship, something starts feeling strangely familiar.

You’re questioning where you stand.

You’re doing most of the emotional work.

You’re explaining why basic communication matters.

You’re waiting for consistency.

You’re making excuses for behavior you already promised yourself you’d never tolerate again.

And eventually…

You’re heartbroken.

Again.

So you start asking:

“Why do I keep attracting the same type of person?”

Maybe they’re emotionally unavailable.

Maybe they’re inconsistent.

Maybe they need saving.

Maybe they give you incredible chemistry but absolutely no stability.

Whatever the pattern is, the cast keeps changing…

but somehow the storyline stays the same.

It can feel like you’re cursed.

But psychology offers a more complicated explanation.

Sometimes repeating relationship patterns aren’t only about who approaches us.

They’re also about who feels attractive to us, who we allow close, what behavior we tolerate, and what we believe we deserve.

And that’s where self-perception and healing enter the conversation.

What the Research Says

Psychology doesn’t support the simplistic idea that people consciously choose partners who will hurt them.

But research on attachment, self-esteem, relationship expectations, familiarity, and partner selection can help explain why certain dynamics may repeat.

1. Familiar Doesn’t Always Mean Healthy

People naturally develop expectations about relationships through previous experiences.

Those experiences can influence what feels familiar later.

That doesn’t mean you’re consciously thinking:

“Let me find someone emotionally unavailable.”

It may be much subtler.

A certain communication style feels familiar.

A certain emotional distance feels normal.

Having to earn someone’s affection feels recognizable.

Meanwhile, someone who communicates clearly and consistently may initially feel unfamiliar.

And unfamiliar doesn’t always produce the same emotional intensity.

Sometimes what feels like:

“We have insane chemistry.”

may partly be:

“I’ve experienced this emotional dynamic before.”

2. Attachment Patterns Can Influence Who Feels Comfortable

Adult attachment research suggests people differ in how they experience intimacy, dependence, reassurance, and emotional distance.

For example, someone who strongly fears abandonment may become especially invested in a partner whose availability feels uncertain.

Meanwhile, someone uncomfortable with closeness may feel safer with relationships that maintain emotional distance.

That doesn’t mean attachment style determines your destiny.

But it can influence which relationship dynamics feel especially powerful.

3. Self-Perception Can Influence What You Accept

How you see yourself matters.

If you genuinely believe:

“I deserve honesty.”

Repeated dishonesty becomes harder to rationalize.

If you believe:

“My needs matter.”

Constantly having those needs dismissed becomes harder to tolerate.

But if part of you believes:

“Maybe I’m asking for too much.”

“Maybe nobody will love me the way I want.”

“Maybe this is as good as it gets.”

You may remain in situations that conflict with what you consciously say you want.

Your standards aren’t only the things you post about.

They’re also reflected in the behavior you’re repeatedly willing to negotiate around.

4. Chemistry and Compatibility Are Not the Same Thing

This one matters.

You can have incredible chemistry with someone who is terrible for you.

You can want someone intensely without being compatible with them.

Attraction answers:

“Do I want you?”

Compatibility asks:

“Can we actually build something healthy together?”

Those questions don’t always produce the same answer.

If intense attraction repeatedly overrides information about someone’s character, values, availability, or behavior, the same painful relationships can appear in different forms.

5. We Sometimes Choose What Confirms What We Already Believe

Psychology has long studied the ways people interpret information through existing beliefs about themselves and the world.

Imagine someone carries the belief:

“People eventually leave me.”

They may become especially sensitive to distance.

They may tolerate inconsistent partners longer.

They may feel intensely attracted to people whose behavior activates that fear.

And when the relationship ends?

The conclusion becomes:

“See? I knew people always leave.”

The relationship didn’t necessarily create the belief.

Sometimes it reinforced one that was already there.

6. Wanting Better and Choosing Differently Are Two Separate Skills

You can know exactly what you want.

Loyalty.

Consistency.

Communication.

Emotional availability.

Respect.

And still feel intensely attracted to someone who offers almost none of it.

That’s because insight alone doesn’t instantly change attraction, habits, boundaries, or emotional responses.

Healing isn’t simply learning what a red flag is.

Sometimes it’s learning not to romanticize it when it’s attached to somebody you’re attracted to.

What the Studies Don’t Tell You

Research can explain attachment.

Self-esteem.

Relationship expectations.

Partner selection.

But it can’t explain that moment when your friend says:

“This person reminds me of your ex.”

And you’re immediately offended.

“No they don’t.”

Six months later?

Your friend was unfortunately onto something.

Different tattoos.

Same emotional availability.

Different career.

Same disappearing act.

Different apartment.

Same arguments.

Different person.

Same feeling in your stomach.

That’s when healing becomes uncomfortable.

Because eventually you have to stop asking only:

“Why do I keep meeting people like this?”

and start asking:

“Why does this type of relationship keep feeling attractive enough for me to enter?”

That’s a very different question.

✏️ The Cursed Crayon Club Viewpoint

The following is the opinion and interpretation of Cursed Crayon Club, not a statement of scientific fact.

We don’t completely buy the phrase:

“You attract what you are.”

Sometimes emotionally unhealthy people become involved with emotionally healthy people.

You cannot control who finds you attractive.

You cannot control who lies.

You cannot control who cheats.

You cannot control who approaches you pretending to be something they’re not.

But here’s where we think your power actually lives:

Who gets continued access to you.

That’s different.

Healing doesn’t necessarily mean emotionally unavailable people stop finding you.

Healing may mean you stop spending six months trying to convince one to become available.

Healing doesn’t mean nobody ever lies to you.

It may mean the first few lies stop becoming something you explain away.

Healing doesn’t mean toxic behavior disappears from the dating pool.

It may mean toxic behavior stops feeling like a challenge you’re supposed to conquer.

Sometimes healing changes who you’re attracted to.

Sometimes it changes who you’re willing to stay attracted to.

And sometimes…

The biggest change is simply how quickly you recognize:

“Oh no. I’ve already lived this story.”

Self-Perception Changes More Than Standards

There’s another piece worth talking about.

The relationship you have with yourself can quietly influence the relationships you’re willing to maintain with other people.

If you see yourself as difficult to love…

You may tolerate people making love unnecessarily difficult.

If you believe you have to earn affection…

You may become attracted to relationships where affection constantly has to be earned.

If you believe being chosen proves your worth…

Unavailable people can become especially tempting.

Because getting them to choose you feels like winning something.

But the prize isn’t necessarily the relationship.

Sometimes the prize is what their choice would supposedly prove:

“See? I was worthy after all.”

That’s a dangerous amount of power to hand another person.

Healing Doesn’t Mean Becoming Perfect

Healing isn’t:

“I’ll never choose the wrong person again.”

Nobody can promise that.

People change.

People hide things.

People disappoint us.

And sometimes a relationship looks healthy until enough time passes for new information to appear.

Healing is more realistic than perfection.

It might look like:

Recognizing patterns sooner.

Leaving sooner.

Communicating needs earlier.

Believing behavior instead of potential.

Not confusing anxiety with chemistry.

Not negotiating against your own boundaries because you’re afraid of losing someone.

And learning that rejection doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong with you.

Sometimes healing isn’t finding better people immediately.

It’s becoming less willing to abandon yourself just to keep somebody.

Final Thoughts

If you keep ending up with the same type of partner, don’t immediately conclude that you’re broken.

And don’t assume the universe keeps intentionally sending you terrible people.

Look at the pattern with curiosity.

Who attracts you?

What happens early in these relationships?

What do you overlook?

What makes you stay?

What do you repeatedly hope will change?

And most importantly:

What do these relationships seem to confirm about how you already see yourself?

Because changing your relationship patterns isn’t only about creating a better checklist for your next partner.

Sometimes it’s about changing the beliefs that decide which behaviors you’ll accept once you become emotionally attached.

Relationship Reflection

Think about your last three significant romantic connections.

Don’t focus on what the people looked like.

Look at how the relationships felt.

Ask yourself:

• What emotional patterns appeared in more than one relationship?
• What warning signs did I notice early but explain away?
• What qualities repeatedly attract me?
• Do I confuse emotional intensity with emotional connection?
• Am I consistently trying to earn love from people who make me uncertain?
• What behavior do I tolerate once I’m afraid of losing someone?
• Do my relationships reinforce something I already believe about myself?
• What would I choose differently if I genuinely believed I didn’t have to convince anyone to value me?

And here’s the question worth sitting with:

If your next partner looked completely different but made you feel exactly like your ex did… how quickly would you recognize the pattern?

That’s where healing starts becoming visible.

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Sources & Further Reading

• Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development.
• Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. R. (1987). Romantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment Process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
• Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment Styles Among Young Adults: A Test of a Four-Category Model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
• Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. — Research examining self-esteem, perceived partner regard, and security within romantic relationships.
• American Psychological Association — Research and educational resources concerning attachment, self-esteem, romantic relationships, and psychological well-being.
• National Center for Biotechnology Information — Peer-reviewed literature concerning adult attachment, self-perception, relationship satisfaction, and romantic partner dynamics.