Published by Cursed Crayon Club

“They Tell Me They Love Me Every Day… So Why Don’t I Believe It?”

They tell you they love you.

You believe them.

For a minute.

Then they take longer than usual to answer your text.

Your stomach drops.

“Are we okay?”

They reassure you.

“Of course we’re okay.”

Relief.

Then tomorrow, they seem quieter than usual.

Now you’re wondering again.

“Are you mad at me?”

“Do you still want me?”

“Is there somebody else?”

“Are you sure you love me?”

They answer.

You feel better.

Until the next little thing changes.

That’s what makes reassurance-seeking so confusing.

The reassurance works.

It just doesn’t last.

If you’ve ever wondered why someone can tell you they love you repeatedly and your mind still finds another reason to question it, the problem may not be a lack of reassurance.

The problem may be that reassurance is being asked to do something it cannot permanently do:

Create internal security.

Let’s look at what psychology says.

Research

Seeking reassurance isn’t inherently unhealthy.

Romantic partners naturally comfort one another, clarify misunderstandings, and remind each other that the relationship is secure.

The problem can develop when reassurance becomes the primary way someone manages anxiety and the relief repeatedly disappears.

1. Reassurance Can Reduce Anxiety Without Resolving It

When you’re afraid something is wrong, asking your partner for reassurance can immediately lower anxiety.

Your brain gets an answer:

“We’re okay.”

That feels good.

But if the underlying uncertainty remains intolerable, another trigger can restart the entire process.

Now you need another answer.

And another.

The reassurance wasn’t necessarily ineffective.

It simply addressed the immediate fear rather than whatever keeps generating new fears.

2. Attachment Anxiety Can Make Relationship Threats Feel Bigger

Adult attachment research suggests that people higher in attachment anxiety may be especially sensitive to signs of rejection or abandonment.

Small changes can feel emotionally significant.

A shorter text.

A different tone.

Less affection one evening.

A partner wanting time alone.

Someone else might think:

“They’re probably tired.”

An anxious mind may immediately ask:

“Are they pulling away from me?”

That doesn’t mean the fear is intentionally dramatic.

The perceived threat can feel completely real.

3. Reassurance-Seeking Can Become a Cycle

Researchers have studied excessive reassurance-seeking: repeatedly asking others to confirm that you’re loved, valued, accepted, or safe despite already receiving reassurance.

The pattern can look like this:

Fear → Ask for reassurance → Feel relief → Doubt returns → Ask again.

The more someone depends on external reassurance to settle internal uncertainty, the harder it may become to feel secure without it.

4. Ambiguity Can Be Especially Difficult

Relationships contain uncertainty.

No partner can guarantee:

“I will never change.”

“I will never disappoint you.”

“Nothing bad will ever happen.”

For someone who struggles with uncertainty, that reality can feel frightening.

So they search for certainty through questions:

“Promise you’re not leaving?”

“Promise you still love me?”

“Promise there’s nobody else?”

But even a sincere promise cannot eliminate every future possibility.

At some point, trust requires tolerating a degree of uncertainty.

5. Previous Betrayal Can Change What Reassurance Means

Sometimes reassurance doesn’t feel sufficient because trust has actually been damaged.

If someone previously lied…

Cheated…

Hid conversations…

Broke agreements…

Or repeatedly contradicted their own promises…

Then hearing,

“Trust me.”

may understandably carry less weight.

In those situations, the solution isn’t simply telling the hurt partner to become less anxious.

Rebuilding trust usually requires consistent behavior over time, not endless verbal reassurance.

6. Self-Worth Can Affect How Reassurance Is Received

Sometimes the difficulty isn’t believing the partner.

It’s believing the compliment.

Your partner says:

“You’re beautiful.”

Your mind responds:

“They’re just saying that.”

They say:

“I choose you.”

Your mind asks:

“But why?”

When someone’s internal beliefs about themselves conflict with what they’re being told, reassurance can have difficulty sticking.

It’s hard to permanently borrow another person’s confidence in you.

What the Studies Don’t Tell You

Research can measure reassurance-seeking.

It can’t fully capture what happens at 1:17 in the morning when your partner is asleep and your brain suddenly remembers something they said three weeks ago.

Now you’re replaying the conversation.

Analyzing their tone.

Remembering the pause before they answered.

Wondering whether you missed something.

They reassured you then.

But now you want to wake them up and ask again.

That’s the exhausting part.

Sometimes reassurance becomes like pouring water into a cup with a hole in the bottom.

Your partner keeps pouring.

You keep feeling empty.

Eventually, the question shouldn’t only be:

“Why won’t they reassure me enough?”

It should also become:

“Where is all this reassurance going?”

✏️ The Cursed Crayon Club Viewpoint

The following is the opinion and interpretation of Cursed Crayon Club, not a statement of scientific fact.

We think reassurance is supposed to support trust.

Not replace it.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting your partner to say:

“I love you.”

“We’re okay.”

“I’m here.”

Sometimes we need that.

But if your partner has to prove the entire relationship every time their texting pattern changes…

Nobody gets to relax.

And here’s the uncomfortable part:

There may never be a perfect amount of reassurance that can permanently silence a fear you haven’t learned to soothe yourself.

Your partner can love you.

They can communicate.

They can be transparent.

They can show up consistently.

But they cannot climb inside your mind every morning and convince you that you’re worthy of being chosen.

Some of that work eventually belongs to you.

And if your partner has actually given you legitimate reasons not to trust them?

Then stop trying to use reassurance to repair something that requires changed behavior.

“I promise” means very little when the pattern keeps saying something else.

Final Thoughts

Needing reassurance doesn’t automatically mean you’re insecure, needy, or unhealthy.

Humans need connection.

Partners need reassurance from each other.

The question is whether reassurance helps strengthen an already developing sense of trust…

Or whether it has become the only thing keeping anxiety under control.

If you need reassurance again five minutes after receiving it, asking for more may not be the only answer.

Sometimes the more useful question is:

“What am I afraid will happen if I don’t get reassurance right now?”

That’s where the deeper conversation begins.

Relationship Reflection

Ask yourself honestly:

• How long does reassurance actually make me feel better?
• What usually triggers me to need reassurance again?
• Am I responding to something my partner actually did or something I’m afraid they might do?
• Has my partner damaged my trust in ways that haven’t been repaired?
• Do I believe I’m worthy of love when nobody is actively reminding me?
• Can I tolerate not knowing exactly what my partner is thinking every moment?
• Am I asking my partner for connection or asking them to eliminate all uncertainty?

And perhaps the biggest question:

If your partner gave you the perfect reassurance tonight, what would your mind worry about tomorrow?

The answer may tell you where the real work is.

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Sources & Further Reading

• Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. R. (1987). Romantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment Process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
• Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change.
• Joiner, T. E., Jr., Metalsky, G. I., Katz, J., & Beach, S. R. H. (1999). Research examining excessive reassurance-seeking and interpersonal functioning.
• American Psychological Association — Resources on anxiety, relationships, attachment, and emotional regulation.
• National Center for Biotechnology Information — Peer-reviewed literature on adult attachment, reassurance-seeking, anxiety, and romantic relationships.